Roll With It/ God Doesn’t Make Mistakes March 31, 2012

http://www.themiddlefingerproject.org/why-moderation-is-for-losers/

First of all, check out this blog. 

Caveat- it includes some colorful language, but the message is spot-on.  And yes, I realize I’m about to talk to y’all about God after having you read said-blog with colorful language.  Just roll with it.

One of my best friends, Robin, shared this blog with me.  We were with some friends at Waterloo on Thursday evening before bowling and Robin said, “OMG you have to read this blog.  It’s awesome.”  I sat there and read it, and by the end of it I had to high-five her.  I was like, “see, that’s what I’m talking about!  That’s how we are!”

You see, Robn and I have bonded a lot lately after having not seen each other much for a couple of years.  One reason is because her, her husband Keith, and their friends, are awesome.  Another reason is that, sadly, she knows a lot about loss too.  Her father passed away about three weeks before Adam.  Robin’s mom, Suzette, has been in Austin for about the past month and it’s been great to grow a friendship with her as well.  Sometimes- on rare occasion- Robin, Suzette, and I let ourselves sit around and talk about how sad it is to lose people we love.  It’s good and healthy to acknowledge the reality of the situation and let yourself feel.  But don’t get trapped in those feelings. That being said, most of the time our group of friends (many times including Mama Suz) focus on having a great time together. 

Here’s a pic of Robin and me on my birthday limo night last weekend:

There is something about loss that makes me want to enjoy life more than ever.  As you know from my previous postings, I’ve made a concerted effort to enjoy life every day- and lemme tell you what, I rock at it.  I know what it’s like to lose literally everything (house burning down) and sustained a loss that most people my age don’t have to go through.  I’ve experienced plenty of other challenges and tragedies in my life, things that I haven’t necessarily divulged to everybody up on the Internet.  The point is this- I could choose to complain, be sad or depressed, whine, lose faith, or any number of things that sound like no fun.

I don’t.

The sum of my experiences makes me who I am today.  A person that I’m proud of, who is comfortable in her own skin, who sees life in more vivid colors than ever.  I have had so much fun the past couple of months.  It’s not the life I planned for or expected.  I’ve come to understand, however, that no matter what happens you just have to roll with it.  And if you’re going to roll with it, you may as well have AS MUCH FUN as possible.  There is no better feeling than enjoying life.

I’ve surrounded myself with people that perfectly fit this other blogger’s depiction of, “if you wanna ride with me, then you ride with me.” Life’s too short to worry with people who don’t share my passion for life, or for them.  I’m grateful to be sooo blessed  with my friends, my family, my work, my God, and my ability to choose genuine happiness despite this crazy roller coaster that is my life. 

I know that there’s a plan for all of us.  Like I’ve said many, many times- God doesn’t make mistakes.  Does that mean we just tra-la-la our way through life?  Heck no it doesn’t!  It means you’re passionate about everything you do, but you don’t get yourself worked up about the details.  Every experience, encounter, person you meet, and thing that happens to you is part of your story.  And your story is as good as you decide to make it.  The details will work themselves out.  God won’t lead you down the wrong road, although things may not make sense for awhile. 

It took losing Adam to become a little bit more like him.  That guy was hard core about everything.  When he said he was going to do something, he did it.  He was one of the most loyal people I’d ever met, and he considered others in every decision he made.  I used to kind of ride on his coattails, but now it’s up to me to be that hard core.  I know he’d be proud.  I probably have more fun than Adam did (I used to call him No Fun Adam, he was kind of a serious person, he was also much more of a homebody than me), but that’s me being me.

I know so many of you out there have recently experienced loss.  Some of y’all have gone through bad breakups, cheating, losing your parents, financial troubles, disease/illness, etc.  Every loss is a unique experience that affects each of us in a totally different way.  I’m not writing this to tell you that you can or should react the way I have.  I’m just sharing my story with you and hopefully giving you some food for thought.  You reserve the right to handle your loss however you want to.  However you decide to handle loss or life your life is totally up to you; I’m just saying that no matter what, own your life and be content with the decisions you make.  Own your feelings and never, ever be ashamed of them. 

For me, though, grabbing life by the horns and going all out- while trusting that it’s all going to work out- is the way to be!!!

The lessons learned aren’t what we expected March 19, 2012

I was catching up on my DVR a little this evening. I had no idea that one of the characters was shot in the last episode of Desperate Housewives because when I went out of town I unplugged a lot of things and inadvertently didn’t record any shows the week I was gone. I was pretty surprised at the storyline because it was a cliffhanger from the previous episode, and the audience just discovered he died from the gunshot sustained last week. It was one of the main character’s husband, so I was like, “oh here we go, I just may cry.” It was beautifully written and the acting was better than in most recent episodes. Surprisingly, I only teared up once. The closing monologue was pretty poignant, so I’ll share it with you:

“As much as death takes from us, it also gives. It teaches us what’s truly important. Like giving back after a lifetime of taking, going after something we never should have let go of, or looking back on what made us who we are.

But sometimes, the lessons learned after a person’s death aren’t the ones we expected.”

Of course, being well-versed in loss here lately, this got me to thinking. I feel the first part of that quote speaks for itself. I’ve experienced all of those feelings and have discussed them in other blog postings. The second part, however, really got me thinking. The lessons I’ve learned truly aren’t what I’ve expected. While DH continued that last part down a scandalous, juicy drama path, I’m omitting the last couple lines in order to keep the angle I’m going for. Y’all ready for this???

I didn’t expect to feel joy in life again, but I most certainly do. Some deeply intrinsic part of me has told me to turn this experience into an opportunity rather than a loss. Why be sad when I can choose to be happy? You’re only as happy as you let yourself be. The same is applicable to sadness, anger, and any other emotion.

I didn’t expect to not feel guilty about having joy in my life again. I am fully cognizant of the fact that Adam only died less than four months ago, and when I first starting feeling better a couple of months ago I wondered if it was too fast. Some wise friends told me that I get to feel better whenever I dang well please, so I decided to take that and run with it. I also must admit that around that same time, I did a Google search that was something to the effect of, “when is it ok to move on after death of boyfriend?” Some things people said on various discussion boards really got to me. There were a lot of people that said a year, or “it depends on how much you loved him”. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but true to self, I formulated my own. There’s no timeline or rule book for these types of situations. I certainly don’t believe that if I am happy after a short amount of time that it means I didn’t love Adam very much- that I don’t have to justify to anyone, of course I loved him deeply. And really, a year? Like after the 365th day you’re magically going to wake up and be better?

It’s just that I’ve seen how quickly life can be over, and that being said I want to enjoy every minute of it! I love to do new things, geez this past weekend was full of things I’ve never done before (SXSW, selling BBQ out of a trailer with friends, and trying various oyster concoctions) and I had a total blast. I have surrounded myself with positivity and happiness- if you’re in my life, you exude those things and are very intentionally in my circle.

I can say that through this experience, I’ve become more motivated to stay busy and do things. I never would have expected that right after all this happened and I sat around by myself for days. I’ve always been a hard worker, but I am even more so now. I’m also more of a hard player; you won’t usually find me at home watching TV for too much longer than a couple of hours. There’s just too much life to live out there! (Also, I think a part of it is that I really need to move. I think it’s just time). I’ve also started working out again, which is overdue but feels great. Kinda random, but oh well. I’ve also noticed that, with the exception of handling Adam’s affairs/personal effects, I don’t like to put anything off anymore. It’s like he’s channeled a little part of himself in me

I guess my while point is this- you just never know. So do what you love. Try new things. Appreciate and enjoy people, and always treat them well. Help others every chance you get. Realize and accept that God doesn’t make mistakes, and sit back and enjoy the ride- its all going to work out (this one can pose a challenge for me as I tend to be an overthinker, but lemme tell ya, sometimes it is better to just throw in the towel!) Don’t waste time doing something you don’t like or investing in people who bring you down. Love the work you do and throw yourself into it- but always make time for play as well. Don’t get too busy to find something beautiful in your surroundings every day. Laugh- like a ton. It’s fun, and totally beats crying.

One last thing I didn’t expect to come from death is positivity. I’ve always been a bit of a cynic and I’ll be sarcastic until the day I die, and if any situation may potentially act as a catalyst for you exhibit more of those traits then this one definitely fits the bill. Somehow, however, I’m probably more positive than I’ve ever been. Did you read that last paragraph?!?! I really hope that this little dose of positivity gives at least one person the boost they were needing to feel a little better about their life and its circumstances. That’s what this blog is all about, trying to reach out to others. Until next time…

Acceptance. February 25, 2012

When you’re with someone for almost five years, there isn’t a single part of your life that isn’t intertwined with that other person. Your likes, plans, goals, and dreams are partially your own. They’re also partially that person’s. However, those things are different than what they would be if it were “just you”.

I had a great life planned out to share with an amazing person. No surprise there, most of you were lucky enough to know Adam. But I was the luckiest because he loved me. So much. When he died, I was absolutely shattered- this you also know. Aside from the tremendous, heart-shattering pain, I was also so completely lost. I had no idea what to do with my life. I spent a lot of time those first few weeks crying, wandering around my house, crying, and crying. I was in this huge, lost fog of guilt. There’s only so much Netflix a girl can watch before she starts going stir crazy.

After loafing around in sadness for a little while, I started taking people up in the many offers to hang out and do things. You have to realize this about me- I am surrounded by absolutely amazing, fantastic friends. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Not only are they fantastic, they love to do really fun things. I’ve spent time with so many of my different groups of friends lately. In doing so, I started to realize that this feels much better than sitting around being sad. In the past month I’ve enjoyed spending time with my standard crew, his group of friends, my old college friends who now live in Austin, my family, and my coworkers. I’ve made some new friends which is always fun. We’ve done the SA Rodeo, bowling nights, parties, watched the Spurs play, are planning some upcoming trips, and have a LOT of fun. I’ve done a lot of things that I like to do, and hadn’t done in a long time because it’s different when you’re in a relationship, live in the country, and have so much responsibility around taking care of animals and managing land.

I started thinking about what Adam would want. Homeboy loved life, and I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. He always said he never wanted to miss someone because they were gone, that he wanted to cherish them while they were still here. The more I thought about this, the more I resolved that I had absolutely loved and cherished Adam in the time I had with him. But the reality of the situation is that he is gone, to a beautiful eternal life, and I am here. I am no longer the Candace of “Candace and Adam”, I am merely me. I’m no longer in that relationship.

I was surprised at the response when I changed my Facebook relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single”. I got a lot of support, because y’all are awesome, but it also made some people sad. Like his parents and mine. As I told them, for me it was just time- and they were very understanding. I recently made a commitment to being happy every day, and that simply isn’t possible if I hold on to the life I used to have. You can’t drive a car if you’re looking at the rear view mirror.

I’m happy to report that I’ve reached acceptance mode. I have a firm grasp on the reality of the situation, I’ve survived the sadness, and I have a new lease on life. It really can be over in an instant, and seeing that happen first hand makes it more important to me than ever that I discover myself and live a life that makes me happy. A few notes on acceptance:

1) For anyone going through loss, no one can tell you when you’re ready to move on except yourself. You get to be sad as long as you want to be. And when you start to feel better, no one gets to judge whether it’s too soon or took too long. Well, people will judge you for things no matter what, but whatever. Do what feels right for you.
2) Acceptance is not a permanent state of mind; it vacillates just like the other stages of grief. On occasion, last night for example, I still get sad and think things like “I got cheated out of my life”. But those occurrences are increasingly fewer and farther between. I can look back on my time with Adam fondly, smile, and be incredibly grateful that I had such an amazing love.

Now, onto the future. I’m going to keep hanging out with my amazing friends and family. I’m going to try new things. I’m going to continue to love my career and keep growing it. I want to travel. I want to meet new people, and would not be opposed to finding a special someone if the time and person were right. All I know is that I’m still here, God has a plan for me, and I’m going to have an amazing life. I’m smart, incredibly strong, self-assured, witty, and successful. I triumph and prevail no matter what. I think I am these things because of the sum of my experiences. And I feel like Adam’s final gift to me was the ability to use his loss as a guide to my becoming exactly who I am supposed to be.

Acceptance. February 25, 2012

When you’re with someone for almost five years, there isn’t a single part of your life that isn’t intertwined with that other person. Your likes, plans, goals, and dreams are partially your own. They’re also partially that person’s. However, those things are different than what they would be if it were “just you”.

I had a great life planned out to share with an amazing person. No surprise there, most of you were lucky enough to know Adam. But I was the luckiest because he loved me. So much. When he died, I was absolutely shattered- this you also know. Aside from the tremendous, heart-shattering pain, I was also so completely lost. I had no idea what to do with my life. I spent a lot of time those first few weeks crying, wandering around my house, crying, and crying. I was in this huge, lost fog of guilt. There’s only so much Netflix a girl can watch before she starts going stir crazy.

After loafing around in sadness for a little while, I started taking people up in the many offers to hang out and do things. You have to realize this about me- I am surrounded by absolutely amazing, fantastic friends. I don’t know how I got so lucky. Not only are they fantastic, they love to do really fun things. I’ve spent time with so many of my different groups of friends lately. In doing so, I started to realize that this feels much better than sitting around being sad. In the past month I’ve enjoyed spending time with my standard crew, his group of friends, my old college friends who now live in Austin, my family, and my coworkers. I’ve made some new friends which is always fun. We’ve done the SA Rodeo, bowling nights, parties, watched the Spurs play, are planning some upcoming trips, and have a LOT of fun. I’ve done a lot of things that I like to do, and hadn’t done in a long time because it’s different when you’re in a relationship, live in the country, and have so much responsibility around taking care of animals and managing land.

I started thinking about what Adam would want. Homeboy loved life, and I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. He always said he never wanted to miss someone because they were gone, that he wanted to cherish them while they were still here. The more I thought about this, the more I resolved that I had absolutely loved and cherished Adam in the time I had with him. But the reality of the situation is that he is gone, to a beautiful eternal life, and I am here. I am no longer the Candace of “Candace and Adam”, I am merely me. I’m no longer in that relationship.

I was surprised at the response when I changed my Facebook relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single”. I got a lot of support, because y’all are awesome, but it also made some people sad. Like his parents and mine. As I told them, for me it was just time- and they were very understanding. I recently made a commitment to being happy every day, and that simply isn’t possible if I hold on to the life I used to have. You can’t drive a car if you’re looking at the rear view mirror.

I’m happy to report that I’ve reached acceptance mode. I have a firm grasp on the reality of the situation, I’ve survived the sadness, and I have a new lease on life. It really can be over in an instant, and seeing that happen first hand makes it more important to me than ever that I discover myself and live a life that makes me happy. A few notes on acceptance:

1) For anyone going through loss, no one can tell you when you’re ready to move on except yourself. You get to be sad as long as you want to be. And when you start to feel better, no one gets to judge whether it’s too soon or took too long. Well, people will judge you for things no matter what, but whatever. Do what feels right for you.
2) Acceptance is not a permanent state of mind; it vacillates just like the other stages of grief. On occasion, last night for example, I still get sad and think things like “I got cheated out of my life”. But those occurrences are increasingly fewer and farther between. I can look back on my time with Adam fondly, smile, and be incredibly grateful that I had such an amazing love.

Now, onto the future. I’m going to keep hanging out with my amazing friends and family. I’m going to try new things. I’m going to continue to love my career and keep growing it. I want to travel. I want to meet new people, and would not be opposed to finding a special someone if the time and person were right. All I know is that I’m still here, God has a plan for me, and I’m going to have an amazing life. I’m smart, incredibly strong, self-assured, witty, and successful. I triumph and prevail no matter what. I think I am these things because of the sum of my experiences. And I feel like Adam’s final gift to me was the ability to use his loss as a guide to my becoming exactly who I am supposed to be.

It’s A Good Night For Dancing…the power of music January 31, 2012

Now I won’t be saying anything profound by saying that music is a powerful thing. I don’t know a single person that doesn’t love music. I’d hate to lose my hearing because then I wouldn’t be able to hear music anymore. There’s something that just recently came to me about music though, and that is that music is so…permanent…eternal. It’s here now, even though Adam is gone.

I think that’s a major reason that the Sunday Morning Gospel Show going off the air bothered me so much. It was a piece of Adam’s life that was super important to him, and its continued presence gave me a feeling of remaining close to him. Outside of that though, his memory comtinues to live on in music even though he’s not here.

It really hit me this evening when I got onto iTunes to look for Josh Abbot Band’s new single, “Touch”. In looking through Josh’s songs, I came across his “It’s a Good Night for Dancing”, which was the first song of his I ever heard. It took me right back to the office at LiveOak (where Adam and I worked together for several years and the place where we met), when Adam would play that song over and over again, singing loud despite whatever staff and residents might be present. It kind of hit me hard for a second, because that song should have DEFINITELY been on Adam’s playlist for his funeral. It was one of his all-time favorites, and it opened up a love for Josh Abbott as one of our favorite artists (he’s the same artist that sings “our song”, “Oh, Tonight” that played at the opening of Adam’s funeral…which by the way was a complete fluke, the music was all set to random. I think it was Adam that happened to make it play at that exact moment, and I think he did it for me. As a matter of fact, I am convinced that Adam regularly puts certain songs on JUST when I need to hear them, but that is a story for another post.)

Hearing “It’s a Good Night for Dancing” opened up a floodgate of memories about Adam that are all centered around song. You know what I’m talking about. You hear a certain song and it immediately takes you back to where you were, who you were with, and how you felt when you heard it. Sometimes you might remember the month (or even the exact date) or what you were wearing. So here goes a list of those songs for us:

Jason Aldean’s “Country”…we saw him in concert with my parents at the SA Rodeo a few years back. Adam knew there was a song he wanted to hear but couldn’t remember what it was called. We finally gave up, and as we were walking out, it finally came on. We stood into the entryway of our section and jammed out.

Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply”… reminds me of sitting outside of a laundromat in San Marcos once waiting for a comforter to finish washing (Adam couldn’t leave it unattended, of course)

Blue October’s “Calling You”… Adam INSISTED that this song must be sung in a British accent…whitest Asian cowboy you’ve ever seen singing with a British accent…priceless. Yes, really.

Taylor Swift’s “Mean”… everytime Adam heard this song, as he was singing along, he’d interject with quips like “how is this song so good, have you HEARD the lyrics???” and “Even I could have written this song, really?”

Eagle Eyed Cherry’s “Save Tonight”… another song to be sung in a British accent. It was also weird that although Adam could never remember who sang what, he knew exactly who sang this and asked me to download it.

Britney Spears’ “Three”… Adam didn’t know the lyrics (probably a good thing), so he’d just count along to the beat…up to like 7. If you know what that song is about, that isn’t necessarily a good thing. Imagine how red Adam’s face was when I explained it to him (now, now, Adam’s parents, don’t feel compelled to look that one up! Love y’all, just sayin’!) As a matter of fact, Adam loved anything by the Beautiful Miss Spears…his fave Brit song was “Lucky”, which Adam enjoyed singing in his best Valley Girl voice

Rihanna’s “Only Girl In The World”… oh my goodness, that boy loved Rihanna as much, if not more, than Britney. To this particular song, though, he had a special “car dance” which involved us holding hands.

Anything by Kevin Fowler reminds me of riding along with Adam in his truck. Whenever I’d have to get out to open the gate, I’d just hop on the siderails and hang off the side of the truck, singing at the top of my lungs, all the way down to the house. When you live in the country, you can do stuff like that and not get looked at all funny-like.

Radney Foster and Chely Wright’s duet, “Scary Old World” has long been a favorite song of mine. I remember playing for this the first night Adam ever came to my apartment at The Met in San Marcos, and telling him that this would be our wedding song one day.

“Oklahoma Breakdown” by Stoney LaRue reminds me of when Adam and I first started dating. I’d never heard it and he introduced me to it. It’s been on pretty much every playlist I’ve made since then.

Lady Antebellum’s song “Need You Now” was super popular for a really long time and was always on the radio; a little too much, in fact. Funny thing about that song is that it started plaing on “The Ranch” (a Corsicana Texas Country station) before it played down here, and Adam heard it when he was up there once. Imagine Adam trying to sing it, remember the lyrics correctly…and all his friends looking at him like he was nuts. Quite funny. And then once we finally heard it on the radio, wow, was he excited…”SEE, I TOLD YOU!!!”

“Crazy Girl” by Eli Young Band was hands-down the theme song to our trip to Port Aransas this past Labor Day weekend with Reyna, Yvonne, John, and Freddie. Everytime we got in the car, this song was on. Everyone we drove up next to was jamming out to this song. It was everywhere we went, as was George Strait’s “Here For a Good Time”. Oh, what a fun weekend. I’m so glad we had that, guys.

If I were to continue to go on about songs that remind me of Adam, this blog would never end. It just seemed like a fitting topic for right now. Another thing that gets me about music is how there’s all this great stuff that will continue to come out in my time here on Earth. My first inclination is to pick up the phone and call Adam, or download stuff to share with him later. And then I remember that he’s not here. I’m sure there is great music all the time where he is, but I just miss sharing that with him a lot. I do suppose that the great thing, though, is that when I really REALLY miss Adam, all I have to do is turn on the radio or my iPod, and take a trip down memory lane.

So, to close, here’s a pic of Adam in Port Aransas on Labor Day weekend outside of a gift shop.  Oh, how I miss you…

Goodbye Sunday Morning Gospel Show January 23, 2012

Yesterday started out like any given Sunday. Wake up, let the dogs out, and turn on the surround sound in the living room to listen to the Sunday Morning Gospel Show on 98.1 KVET before church.

However, when I turned on the radio, some terrible mainstream Nashville country was on. Not that all Nashville country is bad, but I’m a Texas Country gal myself and it definitely wasn’t what my ears anticipated. See, anyone that knows me and Adam, or has followed my blog or Facebook, knows what a special place in my heart I have for this gospel show. Adam and I listened every Sunday morning and since he died (two months ago tomorrow) listening to it is the only time my house truly feels like home. I swear I can still hear him singing Aaron Watson, Johnny Cash, the Gaither Vocal Band, Dolly Parton (yes, Adam did a lovely “Snow White Dove”!!!), Brad Paisley, and many more. I can FEEL his (and His) presence in my living room.

I looked on the KVET web page and got their phone number. I was wondering if perhaps there was some glitch in the programming. After multiple unanswered calls, I looked to see if they had a Facebook page. People had already started inquiring about the show at oh, 8:03am (it starts at 8am).

Then the meltdown started. After realizing that no, the DJ hadn’t fallen asleep or tied in one too many last night and had overslept, and that the show was just not coming on….I felt this incredible hole. More comments started coming in on the Facebook page from fans alluding that the show had been cancelled.

My biggest and strongest link to Adam.

I couldn’t handle it. I cried so much I could barely hold my eyes open. Big, ugly sobs and plenty o’ snot. Guess I was overdue, I’d actually strung together a considerable amount of days without totally losing it. Hey, for the most part I’ve regained much of my sarcasm and witty repertoire. But this was something I could not handle. I needed the dependability and comfort of the peace I feel when I listen to that show. It’s almost like the one time I can really envision Adam is still with me (and not seem like I’m losing my marbles). Not having that show to lean on felt almost as bad as the initial moment I found out Adam had died, and no I’m not being melodramatic. Really.

I cried so much that I didn’t even feel like I could make it to church, which is probably the only place that could make me feel better and ease some of the pain…but I just couldn’t do it. I tried reading my scriptures for the day, but the eyes were still not cooperating. So then I went to the only other place I could think of that might ease my heart…outside to the horses.

I spent quite a bit of time moving Beau, Tizzy, and Goldie from the back pasture to the yard (with some very long, very confused-to-the-fact-it-is-January grass) so they could help me “mow” (note to self: learn to operate lawn mower), and hanging out with them. I slowly regained my composure and then it happened…yet again…it started to rain. Adam was still with me, despite the lack of the gospel show. Not a strong rain, but a steady drizzle, kind of reminiscent of an arm around my shoulders.

I felt so peaceful in that moment, but true to human nature, I was upset on and off throughout the day. I kept checking the KVET Facebook page, left a couple more comments, and saw that I was by far not the only person who was saddened (at the very least) over the unexpected hole in their Sunday morning. I checked that page ALL DAY and…no response. It isn’t like no one was working, they posted several comments throughout the day, even one during the show…but it was about Joe Paterno passing away.

A little more investigating yielded some insight. I guess the longtime morning DJ, Bob Cole, was recently fired/let go or something, and he is the Sunday Morning Gospel Show DJ. But they didn’t say anything last week, and I believe they had already announced the replacements for the morning show. I don’t know the dynamics of the situation or the entire story, so I digress back to my feelings on the gospel show.

Many, many people continued to inquire about the fate of the show on Facebook yesterday AND today with no response. Late this afternoon, I finally left another post about how the comments deserve acknowledgement, and finally received a terse comment (borrowed that phrase from another saddened yet vocal listener named Tony) in response that “it’s been posted, maybe I just didn’t see it, but the gospel show will no longer be a part of KYGO programming.”
(side note, their comment has mysteriously disappeared from my thread)

A few things on that:
1- I did later find it posted as a response to another user’s comment, but there was NO ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENT OR WALL POST FROM THE STATION. A beloved tradition for so long for many families, just gone with no warning and treated with no respect.
2- What on earth is KYGO? (turns out it is their “parent station”)
3- That is SO SAD. Another piece of Adam and the life we used to share is gone. Over. I’ll say it again…with no warning…I don’t handle surprises well lately, especially if they have to do with any type of loss.

I guess the only bright side about it is that Adam isn’t here to see it gone. He would have truly been devastated. Isn’t it funny how music and ritual are so important in our lives? I think music is one of the most powerful ways I can personally praise and worship God, many times the lyrics say what I can’t express or bring me a new understanding and appreciation of just how amazing God is.

Maybe there are two bright sides. I still have the playlists on my computer, iPhone, and iPad of the music I compiled for Adam’s funeral. For anyone who didn’t know, I decided on most of that playlist the Sunday after Adam passed, while listening to his gospel show. I smiled (thinking of Adam listening each week), laughed (thanks again Dolly), cried (Mr. Watson gets the honors there), prayed, and worshipped. The songs that stood out most to me that morning are on that list, as are some of his favorite contemporary Christian and Texas Country songs (couldn’t not include some Josh Abbott for my baby…”Oh, Tonight” especially).

For now, I’ll try to “Keep On The Sunny Side” and not be so hurt by the decision of radio executives to cancel a great thing and handle it with such a blasé disregard. However, it’s going to take quite some time to heal from the hole in my heart on Sunday mornings.

Feeling sorry for myself January 11, 2012

Up until now, I’ve done a pretty good job holding it together, if I may toot my own horn for a moment. But there’s something about life today that’s just getting me down. I stayed home sick from work today, went to the doctor yesterday and I have a nasty sinus infection. She also told me that I’m just run down from everything that’s been going on and should get some rest. So here I am resting, and rest equals time to think and feel sorry for myself.

Facebook is the devil. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for the joys in my friends’ lives. But these holiday pictures of people so happy, tons of new engagements, cute babies, and the blessings bestowed upon others sometimes remind me of the life I had to look forward to…the one that is gone forever.

In looking through Adam’s wallet the night he died, I found like four business cards for engagement rings. It wasn’t a surprise, we all knew it was a matter of time. We had been reading a pre-marriage book nightly and Adam would tell me, “all you have to do to get your ring is finish this book.” That’s Adam, always had a carrot for everything! His dad said he planned on asking me sometime around Christmas. Instead, Christmas for me this year included a very emotional trip to the cemetery, his stocking filled with dog toys instead of little things like a year’s supply of Chapstick for Adam, and struggling to find joy in a holiday that is so important and meaningful.

This is not how Christmas is supposed to be:

Some people have told me that I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. That I’ll find someone new when the time is right. The thing is…I already had my life. It was a great life that I shared with Adam. It takes years to get to know a person, years to learn their nuances and how to live with a person. Years to learn when to back down from an argument and when to choose to stick to your guns. I don’t want to do that over again, and I’m no dummy…even after years, you still don’t fully know a person. People change over time, and fortunately our changes complemented each other really well over the years. We had plans for a family, our family. I was so excited about having adorable half-Asian babies that would look just like their daddy. Now, if I ever do find someone I’ll probably be too old to have kids, because believe me you, it isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

The thing is, I was never one of those little girls who envisioned their wedding or pined over having kids one day. It wasn’t until I grew a relationship with Adam that I wanted those things. But now that he’s gone, I don’t know what’s in store for my life. I don’t want to marry because that’s what you’re supposed to do, I wanted to get married to Adam. Now, for some reason, I am just so scared that I’ll be alone forever and never have a family. I know what you’re thinking, God has a plan for me. I know that too. It’s just at this moment I feel robbed because I thought I knew my plan- and it was a fantastic one. I feel robbed.

My upcoming birthday is a huge source of…well I don’t know, some sort of emotion. I turn 30 on March 21. It started freaking me out the second I turned 29. At times “before”, I’d be frustrated that we weren’t already married. Now, I’d do anything just to remain Adam’s girlfriend forever. I feel like I am turning 30 and what do I have to show for it? Some expensive pieces of paper to hang on the wall, a house that I love but isn’t my own, and memories of the life I once had.

I feel like I’m losing the life we built together. I lost our other land lease, have to sell the cows Adam and I loved so much, don’t know where I’m going to live, have no relationship. The fate of the horses is unknown. Eventually, we’ll have to get rid of Adam’s clothes and other possessions. Things simply cannot remain the same. It’s inevitable.

it sucks

The nice thing about feeling this way is that, like all the other emotions, I know this one will pass. It’s just temporary. I usually feel quite blessed by the things and people I do still have. But this feeling is real, deserves attention, and is worthy of sharing. So bear with me, I’ll be back soon, but for just a little while I’m gonna feel REALLY sorry for myself. And that’s okay.

One Month Ago… December 24, 2011

One month ago was the last time I woke up the luckiest girl in the world. It was at almost this time exactly that we went outside to walk the dogs at the condo. It was a special day, Thanksgiving, but it was simple. You, me, my parents, and our dogs.

If someone would have told me this time one month ago that you would be gone by the end of the day, I would have never believed them.

If someone would have told me one month ago that life would continue without you in it, I wouldn’t have believed them either. But it goes on; there isn’t a choice.

The emptiness inside is indescribable. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so lonely, despite the amazing support from family and friends. They’ve been great. Lots of people helped me get through the fire anniversary on Thursday. Wes, Tad, Ken, JB, Lonnie, Moe, Julie and I all hung out that day. I got tons of supportive calls and texts. I spent so much of that day thinking of you and feeling the overwhelming gratitude I’ve expressed to you in the past for simply waking up that morning. I’m glad I had thanked you again recently for saving our lives that day.

I still remain no closer to figuring out how to navigate my way through this life without you here, one month into it. But let me tell you this, if I’d been told five years ago that I could start dating, fall in love with, and build a life with Adam Thommarson but he would die in five years…I would have done it anyway. There were bad times, good times, and everything in between- but I loved our life together and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I truly feel we crammed a lifetime together in five short years.

Sometimes one month ago seems like yesterday, but sometimes the days drag on forever and it feels like years ago.

Christmas is a struggle this year. It’s hard to go along with the motions and participate in the holiday cheer. So I look inside myself a lot and pray that I can express a suitable amount of joy in the remembrance of what this season is truly about, and in the knowledge that you are celebrating along side our Lord and Savior Himself. Tell Jesus I said Happy Birthday- and be a little more excited about it than you would have your own birthday, you goofball who never wanted to celebrate it!

I know you watch over me. There are times where it’s abundantly clear that things that are happening are the work of your hands. I’m so thankful that you’ve found ways to make it rain, put just the right song on the radio at the exact time I need to hear it, surround me with the spirit of your presence in my darkest moments, and even sent a little armadillo to the porch to check on me. I’m also glad for the knowledge that there is no concept of time in Heaven, so you aren’t just up there waiting for us. I know you must be so joyous in doing whatever it is you’re doing up there. I can’t wait to find out what it’s all about someday. I know you aren’t alone, which you hated being in life. I know you aren’t worried anymore, and I’m sure you took your opportunity to go toe-to-toe with God to interrogate him with all the questions you had about this life. I know that you are at peace. You deserve all these things more than anyone I’ve ever known.

Finally, one month ago I didn’t think I’d be able to say- without hesitation- that my faith is God has been cemented. Right after I found out you were really gone, I prayed…more so to you than God. Remember? I prayed, “this experience will either make or break my faith in God. I don’t want to lose that. Please help me remain faithful.” I said it over and over again to you. You obviously listen. Despite the pain of your loss and the thoughts of the life you’ll never get to have, these words play over and over again in my mind:

“If Adam had to miss out on the two things he wanted most from life- having a wife and having children- there MUST be an incredible reason. He MUST be in Heaven; and if there is a Heaven, there is a God. There’s no way that it’s just being here for 27 years and then bam, lights out, that’s it. If he missed out on this life, he’s being rewarded with a much better life for all of eternity.”

Barbed Wire Halo- the story behind the song December 15, 2011

So, anyone that was at Adam’s funeral service heard the Aaron Watson song that was played at the end. I’d like to use this post to share the story behind this emotional, yet incredibly fitting song.

In recent months, Adam started listening to the Sunday Morning Gospel Show on Austin’s 98.1 KVET. It starts at 8am, and Adam would get up and put it on first thing every Sunday morning. For awhile, it drove me nuts! Picture Adam, walking around the house/getting ready for church/cooking breakfast with the surround sound blaring on the one morning I have to sleep in every week.

Not that it wasn’t cute…once I woke up!

But, one Wednesday night on the way home from church Adam and I were talking about joining the congregation. We both agreed that God sent us to that church, that it had become our church home, and we wanted to pursue membership. It was a further sign when during that night’s service it was announced that the pastor would be starting his Foundation Class the following week- we immediately signed up.

The church is much more contemporary and open than Adam was accustomed to, which came up in our discussion of joining. It was at that point that Adam said, “that’s why I listen to the gospel radio show. It satisfies this need in my soul for the old-timely hymns I grew up with that we just don’t sing at our church. But singing those songs fills the only void I feel about that church. Otherwise, I feel at home there.”

From that point on, I never griped about the blaring of bluegrass, old country, and modern Texas Country adaptations of the old classics, as well as some new stuff too, that played in our home each week. I started getting up with Adam and we enjoyed singing along together. One particular song really struck a chord with Adam…”Barbed Wire Halo” by Aaron Watson.

He loved the song so much that he’d song extra loud along to it. There was something about the fiddle playing in the background that appealed to him, but the lyrics really touched Adam. I asked, “what is it about a song about an old man dying that resonates so much with you?” Adam replied that he just loved the song and the depiction of Heaven it described. He loved it do much he’d ask me to pull it up on YouTube during the week so he could hear it…”it’s only Tuesday, I don’t wanna wait til Sunday again to hear it!”

As soon as Adam passed, this song came into my head and I knew we had to play it in his honor. All of a sudden, I could see how Adam’s life was similar to the struggles of Deacon Shackleford, the man the song was written about….”he never had a family, Lord knows he wish he did”, “life took him to hell and back…in the end he beat the devil until he was black and blue” (made me think of our home burning down just shy of two years ago), “gospel hymns”, and of course those “shiny pearl snaps”…my baby loved his pearl snaps

Adam crammed an entire lifetime into 27 short years.

I was so moved by the song that I wrote on Aaron Watson’s Facebook page:

And he responded! Aaron, as it turns out, has been suffering a tremendous loss within his own personal life- the loss of his fourth child, an infant girl. He writes about his own struggle in his appropriately named “Barbed Wire Halo Blog”, which he updates about weekly. Check it out! And Aaron- thanks again for the amazing song!

Here is Aaron’s response:

 

Finally, the lyrics to the song (copied from www.aaronwatson.com), and a picture of Adam doing one of his favorite things!

God bless Texas and Deacon Shackleford
He read the bible seven times and he believed every word
That ol’ beat up leather book had been through it all
He sat on the back pew so he could chew him a chaw singing
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me

He carried candy for the kids in his Sunday dress coat
He’d take me fishing after church, he taught me things I needed to know
No Deacon didn’t have a family, Lord knows he wished he did
He told the whole congregation that I was his grandkid

And today he joined up with Jesus wearing shiny pearl snaps
We sang a few gospel hymns and then the soldier played taps
I bet he’s walking with Pete down a street paved with gold
Showing off his brand spanking new wings and his barbed wire halo

He married sweet Emma Grace before the war was through
She held his right arm next to his anchor tattoo
He was on a ship off at sea, when she died in child birth
He lost his whole world from the far side of the earth

He lost the will to love, he lost the will to live
Until he met a man who taught him to forgive
Yeah life took him to hell and back, to hell and back a time or two
But in the end he beat the devil until he was black and blue

Singing I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see…

CHORUS

Before he went he made me promise him that I wouldn’t cry
And though I told him that I wouldn’t you know I couldn’t help but lie

Cause today he joined up with Jesus wearing shiny pearl snaps
We sang a few gospel hymns and then the soldier played taps
I bet he’s walking with Pete down a street paved with gold
As sure as the old church bell still rings
He always said he had country in his soul
He’s showing off his brand spanking new wings and barbed wire halo

Sweet chariot coming forth to carry me home
Swing low sweet chariot coming forth to carry me home

(Aaron Watson/Neal Lowry)
© 2008 Sonnet Publishing LLC (Aaron Watson Songs BMI)

 

 

Here’s what happened (part two) December 12, 2011

Adam left my parents’ side of the condo with the dogs, and I happily pondered my 2012 day planner purchase on my mom’s iPad. We had been watching a tv show about the Skywalk at the Grand Canyon, and when it got to a commercial or something I got up and saw a stack of clean clothes sitting on the kitchen counter. I decided to walk to “our side” to put them away.

Call it a hunch, call it a sixth sense, I’m not sure…but something made me knock on the bathroom door. Adam didn’t answer. For some reason, I walked in…not characteristic of me. The shower curtain was about three-quarters closed, and I saw Daisy peeking out of the tub. I called to Adam, no response. So I pulled open the shower curtain and didn’t see him laying the the gray, murky water.

I reached in for him (the tub was full and the bath water was running full blast). At some point I pulled Daisy out of the tub. I’ll spare some of the details, but I tried pulling him out of the tub and couldn’t get him out myself. I will say this- no one should ever have to see someone they love look the way he did. I’d started screaming for help and ended up running over to my parents’ side to get my dad. He helped me get Adam the rest of the way out, and we started CPR.

At some point my mom called 911 and also ran outside to call for help. I continued CPR but very quickly a couple walked in, the man identifying himself as a minister and the woman, his wife, a nurse. They told me to quit freaking out and focus my energy on prayer. I started to pray and in what seems like no time at all, help arrived. I remember being told to stimulate Adam (before the EMTs arrived, my brain is going a little out of order) so I was rubbing on his legs and trying to cover him up with towels. I remember thinking “he’s going to be so humiliated when he wakes up, and I wanted to protect his privacy.”

They kicked my mom and me out of the bathroom and I began to pray harder than I’ve ever prayed before for God to save Adam. At some point, an EMT said something about suction and a whole gurney of equipment was rolled through the door. Then, they kicked me and my mom out, making us wait on the other side of the condo.

At this point, I had my mom call Adam’s parents. I struggled with the decision, not wanting to worry them, but I figured they’d be taking Adam to the ER and like his parents would want to see Adam as soon as possible. Between my mom and me, we stayed on the phone with Lori and at some point she called Mark, who had been heading to work and immediately turned for home upon hearing Adam was in trouble.

They stayed in with Adam forEVER, but I was concerned because they weren’t taking him anywhere. I was still on the phone with Lori when I heard the door crack open, someone say the word “morgue”, and my dad intercept someone at the door saying, “no, I’ll tell her.” My mom screamed. I think my whole body went limp and numb. There are NO words to describe that moment of realization. My dad walked in and I said, “he’s dead”. I remember feeling like my eyes were going to literally pop out of my head. My dad said, “baby, he’s gone.”

I think Lori must have heard my dad over the phone. I hate to say it, but it’s hard to remember her exact reaction. Come to think of it, I think my dad must have taken the phone and talked to her.

I later learned that Adam had called his parents at 7:02pm, and my mom had called Lori exactly one hour later, at 8:02pm. It’s not like he was even gone that long.

What came next was the worst phone call I’ve ever had to make. I knew I had to tell his best friend, Wes. Wes drove from San Marcos to Canyon Lake, and before I knew it, as if by magic, my dear friends Katie and Felicia were there. We all sat there in total disbelief that this was actually happening. I remember having my dad call Adam’s and my pastors. I remember the dogs having been locked up in my parents’ bedroom and having Felicia go make sure Daisy was troweled off from her bath.

I remember Wes sitting off to himself, holding a crumpled-up paper towel and not being able to say anything except, “I need to go see him.” I remember him being advised against it, and I remember that what seemed like HOURS later, they finally took Adam’s body out. Wes walked down with him and waited for him to be loaded up in a black Suburban, then followed it out.

Me and my parents were individually questioned by a Comal county detective. I was racking my brain for anything…anything that might explain what had happened. NO, he wasn’t sad. I recalled his bout with pneumonia last Christmas. I then remembered the summer of 2010 and a text Adam sent me, “dr says I have diabetes”. I thought of how that morning, when his legs went numb, I’d asked him if he had recently had any shots. He had had a flu shot about a week and a half before. My mind vacillated between heart attacks, a stroke, a fall…but it settled back on last summer and the diabetes.

He lost his health insurance just a couple months after the diagnosis when he left his job…then at his next job, the insurance considered it a pre-existing condition. Despite that, he wouldn’t talk about it. He didn’t return back to the doctor except for when he had the pneumonia, but if diabetes was discussed Adam didn’t mention it. When confronted, Adam would shut down. It wasn’t open for discussion with me, his parents, my parents…I think he probably talked to his great friend, Jessica, about it some because she has a degree in Nutrition and Adam had certain people he confided in about certain things…but over time, it didn’t really come up anymore. We tested his blood sugar some in the beginning, it was usually about 200 two hours after he ate, but he HATED the finger stick and I usually somehow messed up the test. Sometimes I’d get an error message, sometimes I wouldn’t stick deep enough and would have to squeeze the tar out of his finger to get an adequate amount for a sample. Regardless, over time diabetes was a closed book.

Looking back, I noticed that he’d made several consistent lifestyle changes. He drank lots of water. Ate better. Less sweet tea. Diet Cherry 7-up instead of tea or Dr B. Got lots of rest, but was always super active and in great shape.

Anyway, back to that night. I know how Wes waited for Adam because I ran out onto the balcony to watch them drive him away. My family and friends, as well as a random elderly woman (apparently yet another minister, from North Carolina) and her son, followed. After he was gone, she led us in prayer. It was actually at that point that the investigations started, I think, after he was gone and after the Justice of the Peace had left. I told them everything I’m telling you right now. She ordered an autopsy, and we were left to wait for two days before getting some answers.

The Medical Examiner in Lockhart (which makes me think of Adam’s favorite fried chicken place, Dobb’s, driving there because a coupon for a free dental exam came in the mail, and how Adam said the Lockhart Wal-Mart was “cheaper”) who is the only one serving Comal and its surrounding counties, said Adam’s blood sugar was “through the roof”. That it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d been in the tub or not. It was not a heart attack, stroke, aneurysm, or the like. It was the “silent killer”, diabetes.

It’s very hard for me to believe that of he’d slumped over right in front of me, there couldn’t have been a different outcome. But then I try to seek comfort in the fact that this was God’s plan. It was Adam’s time, and lemme tell you what…even though he was only 27, I’ve never met anymore more “ready” spiritually. That boy was one with his Lord. I’d often look at him and admire his quiet confidence in the Lord and Christianity when we would talk about faith. His faith gave me faith in something beyond this world.